You heard it here first...

Apparently Tom Brady is in the new Star Trek movie. 

Give Big Poppa A Little Smile...

Dear TV Networks,

Yes the economy is crumbling. And yes, people are getting laid off at the same rate pets get dropped off at the animal shelter a week after Christmas (LAUGH HERE) but let's focus on what I find important. 

And what I find important is abolishing the TV Laugh Track.

I get it if you're  a sitcom on CBS and the average age of your viewer is 67 and they are so hopped up on meds they need some guidance on when to laugh...(SMALL CHUCKLE HERE).

But if I wanted someone else's opinion on what the "funny parts" were,  I would invite 20 people into my house every time I watch TV (LAUGH HERE).  And fine, I get how old habits are hard to break so if you're not going to get rid of the laugh track,  I propose the following: 

Drama Tracks.

If someone finds a detached arm in C.S.I I want gasps and screams. If  someone back stabs one of the contestants on The Bachelorette I want a distant "Oh no she didn't" or even a "You're a fucking idiot" when someone gets the answer wrong on Wheel of Fortune. (EXTENDED LAUGH HERE)

I mean, if we don't know when we should laugh how can you be certain that we know when to cry, get angry or be scared?

Please help make us a more emotionally adept, feeling society. 

Thanks for your time, you butchers of culture.

(Although I do commend you for The Biggest Loser--you get people fat because all they do is sit on their asses watching TV then you make money off them when they lose weight. That's smart business.)

Love,

Me

Tough Love and Birthday Cake

When I turn 40 I'll probably be wildly successful. The Coen Brothers will peg me as their "Little Coen Sister". I'll be on some Top 50 List of Awesome Women in the World. And most importantly, if I say sea salt bagels are fucking great, the entire world will agree and eat the shit out of them for like, 2 weeks. 

Well, not everyone has had the head start I've gotten. Scotty is a late bloomer. And soon he will blossom into a beautiful flower. But unfortunately once a flower blooms it has got a limited time to be enjoyed. 

However, in Scott's case he's more likely a silk/plastic flower and therefore will only require occasional dusting (and an occasional misting of Jack Daniel's). 

Let's just say I'm glad Scott opted for the new agency over a blue Mini convertible and pec implants. 

Love you long time. 

Sometimes you just can't win...

"Fairbanks police arrested a man Sunday night after employees at the Ralph Perdue Detox Center said he drove there drunk to seek treatment. Fabian Bailey Frank, 33, of Fairbanks was located driving nearby at the intersection of 30th Avenue and Cushman Street. He has been charged with driving under the influence. A chemical test found his breath-alcohol content to be 0.278, more than three times the legal limit of 0.08 to operate a motor vehicle."

Happy Hangovers

Let's start this posting off by saying that I am not hungover. 

However, you probably wish I was because I'm a better person when I'm hungover. 

My comedic timing is better. My jokes are funnier. I'm more talkative. More patient in meetings (because I'm too busy not giving a fuck and getting a nicotine buzz from stale cigarette smoke in my hair.)

But before you start thinking that I'm blessed or just generally better than you--i will confess--inside I feel like someone has put me on The Gravitron and force fed me carnival food for 3 hours straight. Vomitville. Also you should avoid me on the road when I'm hungover because I have the reflexes of a log. 

So what the fuck is the point of this posting? 

Stop bitching about your headache from drinking too many blackberry martini's because I guarantee I feel 20 times worse than you but I still have the fortitude to suck it up and  make fun of your mom. 

Cheers.

Hotlanta

I'm leaving Portland and opening Sheena's Shredded Pork Shack. Please inquire for franchise information. 

God Bless Alaska

Apparently, "Once you pop, you can't stop" was already taken by Pringles. 

Things you weren't afraid to ask, because you never wanted to know

Happy Friday.

I'm looking for the answers to the following questions: 

What day has the most murderers born on it?

Are men with small genitalia more or less likely to suffer from clinical depression?

Has there ever been a schizophrenic Oscar winner? 

How many children have been conceived during "The Humpty Dance"? 

Has anyone ever accidently kidnapped a kid who had already been kidnapped?

If you can help me find these answers by E.O.D., I'm sure to be the Queen of Happy Hour. 

Thanks. 

Frat boys keep the gator population at bay.

"In 1957, the first real live alligator, named Albert, came to UF and lived in a pen. He was eventually moved to Lake Alice but died when a beer bottle became lodged in his throat."

Who doesn't love to drop a good quote in casual conversation?

Quotes are great. People smarter than you or I give us pearls of wisdom  to fill awkward voids in conversation. So, as a Thursday gift to my 2 readers I've compiled a list of my favorite quotes:

"Fuck you, you retarded tramp"-Anon

"I wish you were never born"-Some Copywriter Who Wrote that PSA on Child Abuse from the 80's

"It's time that I told you that Randy isn't your real father. "-My Mom

"Looking for Lil 105-120 lb spinnerz! m4m-40" -Portland Craigslist, Casual Encounters 

"The reason your stupid is because I huffed potpourri spray through the entire pregnancy. And I don't regret it all because you turned out to be a real shit head. Go get me a Diet Coke."-Anon

"Let's watch Mamma Mia!"-anon

It's not a comprehensive list by any means, but hopefully one or more of these quotes will be helpful/inspirational as we turn the corner into the weekend. 

I.Y.I

Last night I decided to join Scott in a second Bikrim (hot) Yoga class. It was fucking awful. It was at least 115 degrees and way too fucking crowded. I had this women's ass 20-inches from my face for at least 45 of the 90 minute class. About 20 minutes in to my ass-in-the-face meltdown,  I've figured out a probable solution to prevent the class from being even more crowded and therefore completely intolerable:

I need to somehow spread the rumor that hot yoga=instant yeast infection. 

And by instant I'm talking about a Quaker Oats Maple and Brown Sugar stew of  bacteria that rivals the long line of fat people outside of a Ben & Jerry's on Free Scoop Day.

So tell your wives, girlfriends and mistresses. 

Thank you. 

Happy Early Birthday to Frazer

I have this friend named Frazer. A lot of people think he's a cunt, which is why I think he is wonderful.  A couple of years ago he designed this underrated device called the SHEENA2000. Apparently it utilizes my ass to spread grass seed. 

That cleverness will serve him for many more birthdays to come. 

Or perhaps he'll suffer the same dark fate as his fellow birthday boy, Elvis. 

(See, that's what happens when people like you--you shove peanut butter, bacon and painkiller sandwiches down your fat mouth because your afraid that one day you won't be loved.)

Thankfully, you're not as liked as Elvis...

Happy Birthday

 xx

Fuck you, Russell Crowe

The roots of my contrarianism can be traced to the '00 release of Gladiator. 

On at least 3 different occasions, my Mother told me how it was a "must see", therefore I refused to see it till I was massively hungover in the Summer of '03. 

Was it horrible? No, it was fine (Phoenix has a sort of Quasimodo-hotness to him that is watchable)

Do I have some deep-rooted bitterness towards my mother for giving me her pear-shape and bad vision? No. 

I'm just a stubborn cow on a solo path to enlightenment. 

(So fuck you and your recommendation to go see Slumdog Millionaire. Because frankly, the story was just average. It was just your white, middle class guilt that made you believe it was any good. If that same story took place in Scranton, PA it would've been a Disney film with Tim Allen playing the role of the detective. )