You heard it here first...

Apparently Tom Brady is in the new Star Trek movie. 

Give Big Poppa A Little Smile...

Dear TV Networks,

Yes the economy is crumbling. And yes, people are getting laid off at the same rate pets get dropped off at the animal shelter a week after Christmas (LAUGH HERE) but let's focus on what I find important. 

And what I find important is abolishing the TV Laugh Track.

I get it if you're  a sitcom on CBS and the average age of your viewer is 67 and they are so hopped up on meds they need some guidance on when to laugh...(SMALL CHUCKLE HERE).

But if I wanted someone else's opinion on what the "funny parts" were,  I would invite 20 people into my house every time I watch TV (LAUGH HERE).  And fine, I get how old habits are hard to break so if you're not going to get rid of the laugh track,  I propose the following: 

Drama Tracks.

If someone finds a detached arm in C.S.I I want gasps and screams. If  someone back stabs one of the contestants on The Bachelorette I want a distant "Oh no she didn't" or even a "You're a fucking idiot" when someone gets the answer wrong on Wheel of Fortune. (EXTENDED LAUGH HERE)

I mean, if we don't know when we should laugh how can you be certain that we know when to cry, get angry or be scared?

Please help make us a more emotionally adept, feeling society. 

Thanks for your time, you butchers of culture.

(Although I do commend you for The Biggest Loser--you get people fat because all they do is sit on their asses watching TV then you make money off them when they lose weight. That's smart business.)

Love,

Me

Tough Love and Birthday Cake

When I turn 40 I'll probably be wildly successful. The Coen Brothers will peg me as their "Little Coen Sister". I'll be on some Top 50 List of Awesome Women in the World. And most importantly, if I say sea salt bagels are fucking great, the entire world will agree and eat the shit out of them for like, 2 weeks. 

Well, not everyone has had the head start I've gotten. Scotty is a late bloomer. And soon he will blossom into a beautiful flower. But unfortunately once a flower blooms it has got a limited time to be enjoyed. 

However, in Scott's case he's more likely a silk/plastic flower and therefore will only require occasional dusting (and an occasional misting of Jack Daniel's). 

Let's just say I'm glad Scott opted for the new agency over a blue Mini convertible and pec implants. 

Love you long time. 

Sometimes you just can't win...

"Fairbanks police arrested a man Sunday night after employees at the Ralph Perdue Detox Center said he drove there drunk to seek treatment. Fabian Bailey Frank, 33, of Fairbanks was located driving nearby at the intersection of 30th Avenue and Cushman Street. He has been charged with driving under the influence. A chemical test found his breath-alcohol content to be 0.278, more than three times the legal limit of 0.08 to operate a motor vehicle."

Happy Hangovers

Let's start this posting off by saying that I am not hungover. 

However, you probably wish I was because I'm a better person when I'm hungover. 

My comedic timing is better. My jokes are funnier. I'm more talkative. More patient in meetings (because I'm too busy not giving a fuck and getting a nicotine buzz from stale cigarette smoke in my hair.)

But before you start thinking that I'm blessed or just generally better than you--i will confess--inside I feel like someone has put me on The Gravitron and force fed me carnival food for 3 hours straight. Vomitville. Also you should avoid me on the road when I'm hungover because I have the reflexes of a log. 

So what the fuck is the point of this posting? 

Stop bitching about your headache from drinking too many blackberry martini's because I guarantee I feel 20 times worse than you but I still have the fortitude to suck it up and  make fun of your mom. 

Cheers.

Hotlanta

I'm leaving Portland and opening Sheena's Shredded Pork Shack. Please inquire for franchise information. 

God Bless Alaska

Apparently, "Once you pop, you can't stop" was already taken by Pringles.