Tough Love and Birthday Cake

When I turn 40 I'll probably be wildly successful. The Coen Brothers will peg me as their "Little Coen Sister". I'll be on some Top 50 List of Awesome Women in the World. And most importantly, if I say sea salt bagels are fucking great, the entire world will agree and eat the shit out of them for like, 2 weeks. 

Well, not everyone has had the head start I've gotten. Scotty is a late bloomer. And soon he will blossom into a beautiful flower. But unfortunately once a flower blooms it has got a limited time to be enjoyed. 

However, in Scott's case he's more likely a silk/plastic flower and therefore will only require occasional dusting (and an occasional misting of Jack Daniel's). 

Let's just say I'm glad Scott opted for the new agency over a blue Mini convertible and pec implants. 

Love you long time. 

Sometimes you just can't win...

"Fairbanks police arrested a man Sunday night after employees at the Ralph Perdue Detox Center said he drove there drunk to seek treatment. Fabian Bailey Frank, 33, of Fairbanks was located driving nearby at the intersection of 30th Avenue and Cushman Street. He has been charged with driving under the influence. A chemical test found his breath-alcohol content to be 0.278, more than three times the legal limit of 0.08 to operate a motor vehicle."

Happy Hangovers

Let's start this posting off by saying that I am not hungover. 

However, you probably wish I was because I'm a better person when I'm hungover. 

My comedic timing is better. My jokes are funnier. I'm more talkative. More patient in meetings (because I'm too busy not giving a fuck and getting a nicotine buzz from stale cigarette smoke in my hair.)

But before you start thinking that I'm blessed or just generally better than you--i will confess--inside I feel like someone has put me on The Gravitron and force fed me carnival food for 3 hours straight. Vomitville. Also you should avoid me on the road when I'm hungover because I have the reflexes of a log. 

So what the fuck is the point of this posting? 

Stop bitching about your headache from drinking too many blackberry martini's because I guarantee I feel 20 times worse than you but I still have the fortitude to suck it up and  make fun of your mom. 

Cheers.

Hotlanta

I'm leaving Portland and opening Sheena's Shredded Pork Shack. Please inquire for franchise information. 

God Bless Alaska

Apparently, "Once you pop, you can't stop" was already taken by Pringles. 

Things you weren't afraid to ask, because you never wanted to know

Happy Friday.

I'm looking for the answers to the following questions: 

What day has the most murderers born on it?

Are men with small genitalia more or less likely to suffer from clinical depression?

Has there ever been a schizophrenic Oscar winner? 

How many children have been conceived during "The Humpty Dance"? 

Has anyone ever accidently kidnapped a kid who had already been kidnapped?

If you can help me find these answers by E.O.D., I'm sure to be the Queen of Happy Hour. 

Thanks. 

Frat boys keep the gator population at bay.

"In 1957, the first real live alligator, named Albert, came to UF and lived in a pen. He was eventually moved to Lake Alice but died when a beer bottle became lodged in his throat."